COMMENTS AND REVISIONS

THE ART OF POETRY
ENG 221

Dr. David B. Axelrod

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COMMENTS AND REVISIONS

Here's a comment that a student sent in a previous semester as an attempt to do the required poetry workshop/critique of each other's work. I took the names of the students off so no one would feel "criticized," but I am in no way satisfied with this kind of response!

	your poem is really good and the point it 
	displays is great. i thought the flow was interrupted a 
	few times maybe add one or two sentences to 
	smooth it out, very good though.

I am not satisfied with this critique. I would not give credit for this critique!

It doesn't do nearly enough.

THE WORKSHOP COMMENTS MUST BE COMMENTS MADE LINE-BY-LINE not as a summary note at the start of end of the poem. That means you can use italic, a different typeface, a different color for your comments and make them right next to each line of your fellow students' poems.

To learn to write better you should look for every way that you can to improve the writing. You should give detailed and specific comment on word choices--why you like or don't like the exact wording. You should comment on the images (the pictures) or the lack of good description. You should find and fix anything that doesn't seem grammatical or standard or account for why a rule has been broken. There is something called "poetic license" that allow a poet to break from conventional use but any deviation from what is usual must be justified or it is an error or at best, a gimmick that doesn't work.

What I would like to praise here is the gentle tone. We should always try to help, not take pot shots or saying things that hurt. But a thorough set of comments is a great compliment. "Your poem is really good" if that is all that is offered, is just a way to avoid offering real help!

Of course, I've been doing this forever and this may be the first time you've tried it, but I would hope that you would go into more detail. Say more! What makes the poem "good?" Summarize the "point" it "displays." If "displays" is meant to refer to imagery, then single out and comment on specific images. Say where "the flow was interrupted" and you can even suggest exactly where and what might be added!

An alternative approach would be to send back a "revision" which reflects any corrections or suggestions you would have for the poem. That said, let me give you a sample of my response to that same poem. I would hope that lessons in technique are contained in the changes I made:

I made some small edits to tighten the poem but I must admit I took some liberty with the ending, making the person who was rejected more of a winner at the end. It's your poem, though, so I hope you use the technical edits and of course how it ends is up to you. I like the poem!

Numb (original) Numb (suggested revision)

I gave you all I had                             I gave you all I had
Still it didn't seem to be enough            but it wasn't enough.
I asked you what you wanted                "What do you want." I asked.
You said you needed space                   "Space," you said and so
That's what I gave you and                   I gave it but you still
you still pushed me away                      pushed me away.
Then I came back and said
"just tell me how you feel"                    "Just tell me how you feel,"
You just looked at me and said             I said. You just looked at me
"everything is fine"                              and said "Everything is fine."
I don't know what you want                  As if you knew.
and neither do you
I thought my love was enough               If my love is not enough
I'm tired of these battles                      then I'm tired of these battles.
I know I'm not perfect                          I could go numb but I'd
but I need you to feel something           rather be devoid of you.
Now I'm like you
I feel numb and devoid of your love
And you only have yourself to blame

Here is another set of comments on a different poem sent to me. My comments are in italics.

LITTLE ONE

Quietly lying curled up in a ball

with your legs so gently

folded close to your chest. "pressed" instead of "folded"?

Your heart beating

rhythmically as the clock

on the nursery wall.

{original poem had three extra lines...}

Why are we directed to these anatomical facts? Why "rapidly?" I took them out…

Blood colors your cheeks,

a sparkle in your eyes, a cliché You can do better. Rewrite with actual detail.

a smile on your face. You could show me what the little one is wearing, etc.

My little one,

your being part of me

gives me life.

I like the poem. The situation makes a good poem and the ending is strong.

My objective when I read a student's or anyone's poem in a workshop, is to help the writer make the poem the best it can be. I have my likes and dislikes, of course. I write a certain way much of the time. Please don't think that I'm trying to re-make your style into my style! I'd also feel bad if, unknowingly, I did anything that was a "turn off" for you. In any work I read, I try to say what I like best and in doing so, I may suggest that other parts of the writing/poem be rewritten to make it at least as good as that other part. So, be reassured... I'm absolutely not into proving I know something you don't know or that I'm a better writer than you are. Phooey on that! I am a really good editor having worked with hundreds of writers at all levels and ages over the years. I will comment on your one poem and as likely comment on others among the final ten you send me. I may not comment on everything you send me but let's just say you'll get your money's worth!

Finally, let me give you all some pointers regarding typing up and sending your poems:

1. Don't center your poems. Type them "flush left." Greeting cards have centered poems!

2. You don't have to capitalize the first word of each new line.

3. Use a standard 12 point type. Unless you are e e cummings, http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/eecummings/ playing with typography is usually too gimmicky!

What principles do I apply when editing? I cut words that aren't needed. Often folks "overwrite"--saying something well and then saying it again because they don't trust themselves that they said it well to begin with! I also like to remind folks that poetry should be a bit like a classified ad! Think of yourself as having to "pay" for every word. Don't put in even one more word than you really need!