HERE IS A SAMPLE OF AN EXCELLENT WORKSHOP TREATMENT OF AN ESSAY

HERE IS A SAMPLE OF AN EXCELLENT WORKSHOP TREATMENT OF AN ESSAY, IN THIS CASE, DONE BE A STUDENT IN ONE OF MY PREVIOUS CLASSES. THE STUDENT HAS CLEARLY DEVOTED MUCH TIME IN ASSISTING IN THE CORRECTION AND REVISION OF A FELLOW STUDENT'S WORK!

I include this so you can sample a fellow student's story, and also, to encourage you to revise your own work--not just settle for a first draft version!

My thanks to both students for allowing me to use their work on the course website.

Note: My own critique of this effort has to point out that the story itself covers too much time in a "report" fashion, rather than creating detailed scene which would convince the reader of the importance of the occurrence as a turning point. That is, there should be a moment in time that is slowed down, shown close up, in detailed description.

However, I am reproducing this effort below to show you how two students interacted to work on a piece of writing. You should try to find as much to say!

The day had finally come.* Perhaps you could have stated, Graduation from Army Basic Training had arrived.* The day that Steve and many others were working so hard for. He was able to call himself a soldier in the world's greatest army. That day was the day that Steve graduated from Army basic training.* Then you wouldn't have had to get to the day that was three sentences later* He was excited and relieved that he had made it. No longer would he have to deal with drill sergeants screaming in his face and making him do pushups for no reason. But that day was even more special to Steve because he was finally able to see his family and girlfriend for the first time in months.*Graduation also meant that he would finally be able to see his family and girlfriend whom he hadn't seen in months* When he got the chance to see them again his emotions were like a rollercoaster. After saying a long hello to his family and an emotional hello to Brittany, Steve told them his stories and experiences from basic training.

Oh I'm sorry. It seems that I'm getting ahead of my self as I usually tend to do. Let's go back to Steve's senior year in high school where this all began. *You began the essay in the third person, than switched to the narrative. which format were you trying to achieve?*

It was just before Christmas*Christmas, Steve and his girlfriend had been together for almost 2 years.* and Steve and his girlfriend Brittany had been going out for almost 2 years. They could hardly believe it. Although Steve was getting good grades in his love life, school was a different story. He often found himself getting in trouble and barely passing his classes. It wasn't that Steve was stupid or anything of that nature. It was just that he was lazy and would never apply himself. * I'm not sure if this was the best way to phrase this, I think it could have been compressed into, Steve was getting good grades in his love life, however his school life was a different story. Steve found himself in trouble and barely passing his classes due to his laziness not his intelligence. Teachers would often tell him that he has so much potential and he would get good grades if he would just show up to class and do the work. It was as easy as that but Steve hated school. He just wanted to get out and be done with it.

Since it was Steve's senior year, you could imagine he was counting down the days. He wasn't quite sure what he was going to do though when he got out.* remove the though, He wasn't quite sure what he was going to do when he finished High School.* He knew he would one day have to go to college to survive in the competitive world he lived in. But to Steve, more school was worse then eating vegetables. * remove the more, and just say to him school was worse than eating vegetables.*I know it's hard to believe that someone could hate something more then vegetables but Steve did. Going to college right after high school was the last thing he wanted to do. In response to his feelings ,Steve made a decision that surprised his family. He enlisted into the Army at the age of 17. Steve often talked about joining the military but everyone just thought it was a phase he was going through* don't think it is necessary to add ---> like many others before it. His parents were scared for him but at the same time they were happy that he was doing something he wanted. *Although his parents were concerned for his safety they were happy he was pursing something he wanted* *You seem to keep switching from the first person I to the third person Steve to the narrative, it's confusing*

As more months passed in his senior year* Towards the end of his Senior year,* Steve was taken to Fort Hamilton in Brooklyn New York to take the oath of enlistment by his recruiter. By doing this, it made him a member of the Army. * He would then be able to pick a job and get his orders for after high school* so he would be able to pick a job and get his orders for after high school. When Steve came home that day, he told his family about the contract he had signed with the Army. He told them how his orders were to go back to Fort Hamilton on July 8^th . *He would fly from Fort Hamilton to Fort Jackson, South Carolina for basic training.*and from there he would be flown down to Fort Jackson South Carolina for basic training. He also remove the also told them how he chose to enlist for a 4 year contract. and remove and, just start this sentence with His his job was to be a financial management technician. Despite all the positive feedback he was getting ,he could not help but to remove the word to feel sad. He knew he was going to be leaving his girlfriend and family behind. Steve would often tell Brittany *instead of since, use that by joining*since he is joining it will give them a better chance of succeeding in the world because of all the benefits that come with it.*maybe here you could have explained what the benefits were to bring more to why it was beneficial to him and that it outweighed the emotions of leaving everyone behind, making the reader identify with the inner turmoil,*

When the day came that Steve had to leave,*he was filled with mixed emotions, engage the reader as to what was really going on inside him, what did he see, what did it feel like, what did he hear around him, make the gut wrenching part of leaving more compelling to the reader* it brought mixed emotions to him and his family. They had to drive him to Fort Hamilton where they would say there final good bys* spelling, bye's. From there he was to wait for a bus which would take him to an airport*As Steve waited for the bus to arrive that would take him to the airport,(what was going on at that time? what did he do?) so he could catch a plane down to Fort Jackson. When the bus finally arrived he told his last good by*spelling bye* to his parents and then looked over at Brittany *remove as just use a comma *as her eyes began to water. He told her that he loved her and that he would be back. Steve then proceeded to get onto the bus. As he stepped onto the bus all Steve could think about was if he had made the right decision. He would be leaving his family and his girlfriend who*word choice whom?* he loved behind and was not sure when he would get the chance to see them again.

Upon arriving at Fort Jackson Steve was greeted by a tall slender man who spoke to him as if he were deaf. This man was referred to as Drill sergeant .The DS wore a different hat then everyone else and loved telling everyone how they were pathetic pieces of dog puke and that he would make them into worriers*worriers? was it supposed to be warriors? changes the entire dynamic of the essay*. After his brief introduction with the DS, Steve was taken to get a hair cut. All males had to have all their hair shaved off ,which didn't bother Steve since he always kept his hair short to begin with. After his hair cut, the DS took Steve and the other recruits to get their uniforms, rifles and other gear. Around 11 o'clock that night, Steve was finally allowed to get some sleep. The next morning Steve and his fellow trainees were woken up by a screaming DS. The DS walk*walked in and began* flicking the lights on and off and yelling that we had 5 minutes to get dressed and be in formation or else. About 10 minutes later no one was in formation. This seemed to make the DS very angry. The DS then told them that for every second they take to get into formation is another pushup they must do. Of course hearing this Steve was hit with a bolt of motivation and he proceeded to *get into formation*quickly get done. In all, remove that day and just go to Steve that day Steve ended up doing about 450 pushups. He was exhausted. Every morning around 4:40 from that day on, was physical training time. Steve didn't exactly like working out that much but he knew it would pay off in the end as much as he had to but in the end he knew it would pay off.

After a few days of the new life style Steve was beginning to adapt. It was just in time too. Basic training was just starting to kick off. The drill sergeants told Steve and his other trainees how there are 3 phases to basic training. These phases are Blue phase, White phase and Red phase. The DS also said that each phase is 3 weeks long and will challenge you in different ways. In white phase Steve learned the importance of team work. There were many obstacles courses him and his fellow trainees could only complete working together. He also was able to over come his fear of heights by being forced to repel down a 60 foot wall with no real safety. To Steve, capitalize the W in white white phase went passed instead of went as quickly as it came. The only time it what is it? seemed to pass slowly for Steve was when he thought about home and what he had left. Ultimatelymaybe fortunately instead of ulitmately. this didn't have much effect on him since he rarely had time to think do due to his busy schedule.

White phase had ended, they began Blue PhaseAfter White phase ended they entered Blue phase. To Steve, it was a huge moral moral? did you mean morale? booster. He knew it meant that he was that much closer to seeing his girlfriend again. In Blue phase, Steve got to test was able to test his skills on the shooting range. This was one event that he was looking forward to. After about 2 weeks of shooting his rifle Steve had proven himself worthy. During Blue phases phases plural? Steve was also put into the gas chamber. This was a room which they would fill with CS gas to simulate what a gas attack might feel like. It was something that Steve was not looking forward to, but knew he had to get done. During this phase his skills were also tested in land navigation.it could have been stated that during the gas chamber phase it was a test of endurance both physically and mentally, your emotions are present about missing your girlfriend, but what about the test of mental endurance while experiencing the gas chamber, were you feeling suffocated, scared, etc........ bring the reader into the gas chamber with you, what was the forest like? how did you work as a team? what were the conversations between you and the other trainees like? were they experiencing the same thoughts, emotions? All trainees were broken down into teams and had 2 hours to find their way out of a forest. Although he had never done anything like this before, Steve and his team were able to find their way out in 45 minutes. They were the 3^rd team out. Steve also noticed that during these weeks the DS began to act nicer towards them. He noticed that the DS wouldn't yell or make them do pushups as much. Before Steve realized it Blue phase ended.

Steve had finally made it to the last phase. It was red capitalize Red phase. The phase of graduation and the final physical fitness test. This was the phase where Steve had to prove himself physically.I think that's restated too many times, that he was tested physically, that was stated in the line with the final physical fitness test. The test was broken down into 3 parts. Pushups, sit ups and a 2 mile run. The 2 mile run is what worried Steve the most because he was never much of a runner before he enlisted. The first exercise was the pushup. Steve needed to do at least 45 to get a 50% which was all he needed. you said he needed to do at least 45 and then said which was all he needed over use of the phrase needed He then needed to do at least 50 sit ups to obtain a 50%. Both of those exercises Steve only had 2 minutes to complete without stopping or he would be disqualified. Luckily he was able to pass both and move onto the dreaded 2 mile run. To pass this ,Steve had to finish within 15 minutes and 30 seconds. Fortunately he was able to pass with only a few seconds to spare. The last part of Red phase and basic training was graduation day.

Yea I know you already herdYea i know? poor sentence and spelling on heard about graduation day. What you didn't hear was how Steve had transitioned during his ordeal.

Joining the United States Army was a decision that changed Steve's life for the better. Before the Army Steve was not focused on what he needed to do in life. He was lazy and not disciplined. The Army gave Steve focus, confidence and goal goal or goals? to strive for. It also gave him the discipline to achieve those goals.what goals? what did he know he wanted to accomplish that he did not know before? Before leaving for the Army Steve knew that it would have an impact on him but he could never have known how much it really changed him. Today Steve attends Suffolk County Community College and receives decent grades. Job wise Steve is not sure what he will pursue next although he has given much thought to becoming a Firefighter.